twist

paging through my notebook, found this scrawled across two pages, almost illegible: View of St. John’s Gospel from the bridgeEcstatic, a chalk drawing in the rainIt’s girders blurring through, gridded,Meticulous, a pastoral of right anglesSquares, their corners bolted and fusedWith blistering layers of paintEach a new shade of dust, likeShadows in a darkened room, Absorbing light with differing appetites.Squares, standing monuments to symmetryAmidst the chaos of color smoldering,The crayola visions of deprivation, Of base desires ignored: sleep, food,Sex, company; release deferredSacrificed to the theoretical sublimeThe tingling ecstasy of the body’s hollowDesperation, visions—the sun sets,As it does everyday, and the sun risesTrans-substantiated by hunger and thirstInto perfect symmetry, The cacophony of pain—aches bruises regretsDisappointments---giving way to squares and Silence. dunno when i wrote it or why, it's atleast mostly gibberish. but i sort of like it, it's got scattershot charm. i think....maybe i'm just tired. judgement impaired. or something

seams

sad to say, i had two cigarettes last night. disgusting, i know, but they were divine. Last night was far too beautiful a night to spend at home, so out i went. Hedwig was playing at midnight at the Music Box, danny came along. The mood was sort of melancholy, though we are both huge hedheads. perhaps because we both wished we had someone special to spend saturday night with, in an entirely non platonic way. It was a familiar melancholy, though, and therefore bearable.....I've read somewhere that you can read a writer's work and trace back to what they've been reading just as you can go through an animals entrails and tell what their last three days were like. I wonder can you do that with people, read their entrails, divine their secrets and perhaps read omens for the future. The romans read the entrails of sacrifices to divine the will of the gods. I wonder what my entrails would tell a reader. Certainly i haven't been kind to them.

hmmmmm

mmm, a bath is lovely thing. I'm not sure whether it's my unconventional circulatory systam or what, but baths put me in an almost trance-like light-headed state. ahhh. i'm temepted just to go to bed, put off my papers yet again. it's not as if i'm thinking very clearly. if i was, i wouldn't be contemplating getting on my friend. that's definitely not my brain thinking. so much love, but so little sex. tell me that's not a shame.

arrrgh

phew, a rollercoaster day, two exams, one i thought would be easy fucked me but good, the one i worried about was manageable. I didn't really see him, but then again that may be a good thing. I did, however, talk to his new girl. she's a doll. arghh again. Can't wait to get out of here, get away. it's ridiculous how embedded this boy's become in my psyche. even in a good mood, he surfaces in my thoughts. It's like herpes, this love. incurable, popping up inconveniently sometimes, lying semi-dormant at others. with treatment you can control it, and certainly you can try to distract yourself, get it out of your mind. but its there, still, always there. Love's torments aren't nearly as romantic when its your skin flayed on its altar. and i do think it's love, because, although i wish it could've been me, I'm glad this girl is making him happy. Not that i'm not jealous, but if he's happy, then i can content myself with that, and of course, my memories.

climbing

inspite of the unmistakable signs of impending PMS, today gets better and better. I really ought to be studying, but whatever. and i have discovered the coolest magazine, in the sense that i bought a copy, not that i planted my flag on its virgin shores or anything, mental floss.its full of lovely random facts and trivia and lists, smashing!!! just brilliant. It's got me quite inexplicably excited. I really don't feel like studying.

onward and upward

i talked to my ex last night, the one who i'm really not friends with anymore. It was brief, but pleasant enough. I'm glad i called, since i was reminded of why i broke it off in the first place. It's not that i miss him in particular, i just miss the constant physical contact that comes with a relationship. Maybe what i need is a dog, or something, since really what i'm looking for is some simple affection. it's almost a hunger, one of the basic needs for survival. Though nothing has really changed since yesterday, things seems to be looking up, or at least i'm looking up and paying closer attention. i'm not sure why thatis, maybe i've been reminded and reassured by my friends. all of whom i adore, though i may not get to tell them that in person evry often.

onward and upward

i talked to my ex last night, the one who i'm really not friends with anymore. It was brief, but pleasant enough. I'm glad i called, since i was reminded of why i broke it off in the first place. It's not that i miss him in particular, i just miss the constant physical contact that comes with a relationship. Maybe what i need is a dog, or something, since really what i'm looking for is some simple affection. it's almost a hunger, one of the basic needs for survival. Though nothing has really changed since yesterday, things seems to be looking up, or at least i'm looking up and paying closer attention. i'm not sure why thatis, maybe i've been reminded and reassured by my friends. all of whom i adore, though i may not get to tell them that in person evry often.

la neta

sucedio hoy que algiuen me pregunto, "who do you think you are?". Una buena pregunta, y algo en que pienso much. Ya no me conozco. Hay tantas cosas que si hago o digo, pero la verdad es que no soy ninguna sola cosa. Todavia voy aprendiendo. Voy clavada en la idea del amor todopoderoso, pero a veces si tengo mis dudas. Es que me canso del estar, del trabajar, de mantener el illusion de sanidad y alegria. A veces me siento vacilla, como un globo, piel aire y nada mas. esta grueso no? hijole, volviendo loca, eh? y las palabras se me estan corriendo.haiku for the dayends as it beganin a breath, held, until shefades again to dream

b...

blech, morning, again. and what is that looming on the horizon, could it be my impending doom? Oh indeed it is, Calculus final and his nasty little sidekick Chem quiz, coming to a class near you. argh. what else have i to look forward to?--getting back failed latin quiz--job training(learning to answer the rectory phone)--not seeing Him, since he's probably still out of town. fun fun fun. got to get out of whiny bitch mode, really its unattractive. on the upside, well..., i'll have to work on that one. it'll come to me, probably, maybe, i think.