.............................

today. downtown to meet eric. went early to run some errands. applied for three jobs. have to wait to hear about two, one got rejected from outright. oh well. bought a bathing suit, oddly untraumatic. also got sandals, a summer dress and some jeans. all good things, things i needed. went o meet eric at appointed time and place. stood on street corner, in sandals and no jacket, on blustery, cold june afternoon. for fortyfive minutes. nothing. i finally left because i was sick of not being able to feel my toes. my hands wouldn't bend correctly either, so i figured it was time to be inside. punk. punk punk punk. punk. and steph got a job at home depot. i didn't. beginning to think i will have to start selling off plasma and internal organs. or turning tricks. it doesn't cost anything, and you don't need much rxperience or references. i don't know why i'm so anxious about being unemployed. i just hope this isn't prophetic of the future, this inability to get a job. i'm not all that picky, or anything. so long as i get paid. and sooner or later my body is just going to mutiny. not that i'd blame it. or mind, for that matter.it might be for the best

grrrr

well, it's been a few days, hmm. had an absolutely splendid sunday night. Trail of Dead rawked the house, splitting my eardrums and wreaking havoc on thier instruments. so much so that they couldn't play the last song b/c the drum set was cashed. it was great not seeing the show alone, and even better seeing it with Dan. he's so huggable. and seeing as how he's the only person who reads this, as far as i know, Thanks Dan, for coming and for a marvelous evening. it's funny seeing someone you care about after a long absence, because there's always a brief awkwardness. It's hard to show how excited you are to see someone without coming off like a puppy. but i was, excited. hmm, monday....nothing.tuesday movie night, this week was disney. good times. i got to bond with austin my gay mormon soulmate. I'm so gone on him, it's nuts. drove him home and we commiserated about how hard it is to be queer in high school. Though he's a boy at least, so he can hang out in boys town and get the hook up. where is dyke-town i'd like to know. is there some secret handshake i don't know or what? but he's only a sophmore, so he's got two more crazy years to go. poor thing, he'd give me a cavity.speaking of which i have two! argh. i hate fillings, the drill just creeps me out so damn much. ich ich ich. and i hate kate nolan. just for the record, she's probably the worst friend ann has and sometimes i just want to smother her under a pillow. ann's too cool to such treatment.which brings us to today. ..................

nakedness

i don't know about confessional poetry generally, but this was just therealmost pre-hatched so here goes: Is it unfair that i should touch youin ways she doesn't, won't, can''t?Perhaps, but that matters so littlewhen your arms flex around my ribsan extra, breathless moment.Doesn't stop me twining a casual arm around your waist in movie lines,tucking a single strand behind your ear. My goodbye kiss have begun to landon your lips. There's no danger there...We both know better, her distantbut all too real presence a reminderof lessons learned and forgivenessunearned. Still, I can't help taking your pianist's hands in mineto stop their mindless trajectoryas you describe the futility of so much effort, no more than I can help wondering what it might be liketo wake up in your arms.

zooom

whew what a day! up early, at school, when i don't have to be, though steph's, not mine, caught between mom and steph, running everybody else's errands and i still don't have a solid form of gainful employment. oh my head is spinning and i keep fucking bleeding. goddamn all hormones, female especially. i wonder is there someway to switch them off until i need them. i don't want an excuse for being extra moody and short-tempered, i rather just not be either. i don't know if i want to scream and run in circles or take a nap. I don't know what i want at all, don't even know how i feel. nothing bad has happened, but i feel like the whole day's gone pear-shaped. is it a premonitory panic, or just pre menstrual? blahhhhh. ok no more whining. haiku for the day:rumbling along likethunder, the train is a crowslicing day from dawn

penmanship

the thing about saving porms you've scribbled on random notebook pages is that you presume, foolishly, that you will be able to read them later. that is not turning uot to be the case, though from the looks of some of this chicken-scratch, tis no great loss. i do always tell myself i'll come back to finish things. ha. just ha. and i always thought i was a pessimist. haiku for the day:slapping me awakeseeps through dawn's delicate peacedamn dripping faucet. oh how i suffer for my art

shapes

as some point in the region of 6 this morning, nan brought it to my attention that the wall in annie d's tv room had begun to desolidify. i closed my eyes against the light growing steadily brighter through the shade and realized that as a matter of fact, i seemed to be floating in a small, tippy sort of boat. After brief deliberation, it was decided that it was high time we two got to sleep. The only remaining obstacle was the friggin birds chirping at the dawn like it was the first theyd seen. all of which adds up to this---so tired. tired so that it's starting to hurt to be awake. don't know if i can take this sort of thing all summer. last two nights out, one on a concrete floor, the other on a lumpy futon. fun though, no denying that. I can't imagine what i'll do when i'm too old for sleepovers. how do adults go without? such a good time. -0-0-0-0-0-0 I don't know if my relatives were extra crack-headed today or if it just seemed that way because of how out of it i am. went to my abuela's for tio mario's bday and spent the whole time tripping over various adorable rugrats. It was so surreal, for some reason. everyone seemed to be in an odd mood. i think it miught have been the weather. or something

well frankly mr shankly

goodness me, and my my my. I should walk around downtown more often. Got hit on twice. hehe. The second times a charm, this time. i met a boy,i met a boyi met a boy! or rather, a man. seeing as how he's a student of the school of the art institute. it's almost sad how excited i am. but its not so often that attractive, interesting-seeming young men follow me around the block to get my email address. hope he uses it, we talked for fifteen minutes about, just standing around, under the el. he's mexican! finally! it's about damn time too. that's something to tell my abuela about. yay. i dance quietly and spin in my chair. all around a good day. no more going to school for real now. for ever. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha.