.............................

today. downtown to meet eric. went early to run some errands. applied for three jobs. have to wait to hear about two, one got rejected from outright. oh well. bought a bathing suit, oddly untraumatic. also got sandals, a summer dress and some jeans. all good things, things i needed. went o meet eric at appointed time and place. stood on street corner, in sandals and no jacket, on blustery, cold june afternoon. for fortyfive minutes. nothing. i finally left because i was sick of not being able to feel my toes. my hands wouldn't bend correctly either, so i figured it was time to be inside. punk. punk punk punk. punk. and steph got a job at home depot. i didn't. beginning to think i will have to start selling off plasma and internal organs. or turning tricks. it doesn't cost anything, and you don't need much rxperience or references. i don't know why i'm so anxious about being unemployed. i just hope this isn't prophetic of the future, this inability to get a job. i'm not all that picky, or anything. so long as i get paid. and sooner or later my body is just going to mutiny. not that i'd blame it. or mind, for that matter.it might be for the best

grrrr

well, it's been a few days, hmm. had an absolutely splendid sunday night. Trail of Dead rawked the house, splitting my eardrums and wreaking havoc on thier instruments. so much so that they couldn't play the last song b/c the drum set was cashed. it was great not seeing the show alone, and even better seeing it with Dan. he's so huggable. and seeing as how he's the only person who reads this, as far as i know, Thanks Dan, for coming and for a marvelous evening. it's funny seeing someone you care about after a long absence, because there's always a brief awkwardness. It's hard to show how excited you are to see someone without coming off like a puppy. but i was, excited. hmm, monday....nothing.tuesday movie night, this week was disney. good times. i got to bond with austin my gay mormon soulmate. I'm so gone on him, it's nuts. drove him home and we commiserated about how hard it is to be queer in high school. Though he's a boy at least, so he can hang out in boys town and get the hook up. where is dyke-town i'd like to know. is there some secret handshake i don't know or what? but he's only a sophmore, so he's got two more crazy years to go. poor thing, he'd give me a cavity.speaking of which i have two! argh. i hate fillings, the drill just creeps me out so damn much. ich ich ich. and i hate kate nolan. just for the record, she's probably the worst friend ann has and sometimes i just want to smother her under a pillow. ann's too cool to such treatment.which brings us to today. ..................

nakedness

i don't know about confessional poetry generally, but this was just therealmost pre-hatched so here goes: Is it unfair that i should touch youin ways she doesn't, won't, can''t?Perhaps, but that matters so littlewhen your arms flex around my ribsan extra, breathless moment.Doesn't stop me twining a casual arm around your waist in movie lines,tucking a single strand behind your ear. My goodbye kiss have begun to landon your lips. There's no danger there...We both know better, her distantbut all too real presence a reminderof lessons learned and forgivenessunearned. Still, I can't help taking your pianist's hands in mineto stop their mindless trajectoryas you describe the futility of so much effort, no more than I can help wondering what it might be liketo wake up in your arms.

zooom

whew what a day! up early, at school, when i don't have to be, though steph's, not mine, caught between mom and steph, running everybody else's errands and i still don't have a solid form of gainful employment. oh my head is spinning and i keep fucking bleeding. goddamn all hormones, female especially. i wonder is there someway to switch them off until i need them. i don't want an excuse for being extra moody and short-tempered, i rather just not be either. i don't know if i want to scream and run in circles or take a nap. I don't know what i want at all, don't even know how i feel. nothing bad has happened, but i feel like the whole day's gone pear-shaped. is it a premonitory panic, or just pre menstrual? blahhhhh. ok no more whining. haiku for the day:rumbling along likethunder, the train is a crowslicing day from dawn

penmanship

the thing about saving porms you've scribbled on random notebook pages is that you presume, foolishly, that you will be able to read them later. that is not turning uot to be the case, though from the looks of some of this chicken-scratch, tis no great loss. i do always tell myself i'll come back to finish things. ha. just ha. and i always thought i was a pessimist. haiku for the day:slapping me awakeseeps through dawn's delicate peacedamn dripping faucet. oh how i suffer for my art

shapes

as some point in the region of 6 this morning, nan brought it to my attention that the wall in annie d's tv room had begun to desolidify. i closed my eyes against the light growing steadily brighter through the shade and realized that as a matter of fact, i seemed to be floating in a small, tippy sort of boat. After brief deliberation, it was decided that it was high time we two got to sleep. The only remaining obstacle was the friggin birds chirping at the dawn like it was the first theyd seen. all of which adds up to this---so tired. tired so that it's starting to hurt to be awake. don't know if i can take this sort of thing all summer. last two nights out, one on a concrete floor, the other on a lumpy futon. fun though, no denying that. I can't imagine what i'll do when i'm too old for sleepovers. how do adults go without? such a good time. -0-0-0-0-0-0 I don't know if my relatives were extra crack-headed today or if it just seemed that way because of how out of it i am. went to my abuela's for tio mario's bday and spent the whole time tripping over various adorable rugrats. It was so surreal, for some reason. everyone seemed to be in an odd mood. i think it miught have been the weather. or something

well frankly mr shankly

goodness me, and my my my. I should walk around downtown more often. Got hit on twice. hehe. The second times a charm, this time. i met a boy,i met a boyi met a boy! or rather, a man. seeing as how he's a student of the school of the art institute. it's almost sad how excited i am. but its not so often that attractive, interesting-seeming young men follow me around the block to get my email address. hope he uses it, we talked for fifteen minutes about, just standing around, under the el. he's mexican! finally! it's about damn time too. that's something to tell my abuela about. yay. i dance quietly and spin in my chair. all around a good day. no more going to school for real now. for ever. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha.

a day like a year

holy fucking christ. so tired. but oh the wonder s hot shower does. oh, so drained, especially in the emotional sense, like someone stuck a siphon in my heart and sucked. beginning at the beginning..... prom was pretty fun actually. Aside from the struggle to keep my dress up over my tits, i think i looked pretty damn good. I know most everyone else did. at least at first. by the end of the dance, there was some disheveledness going on. Molly was a pretty cool date, we slowdanced and everything, though when i let her lead she basically just swayed around in circles. which was fun, if dizzying. the dj was pretty bad, no surprise, but i love to dance so whatever right? Where the complications came in were with C, whose date danced with him almost not at all. it's not that she's entirely disagreeable, just that she makes him unhappy, and i can't fucking stand it. he deserves so much better in terms of treatment and it seems like she doesn't even try to hide her disregard for his feelings. i just want to slap her sometimes, slap her profusely. All he does is try, and she doesn't. grrrrrrrrrrr. i just wish i could help somehow, or do something other tham fume on the sidelines. and it is my fucking business, because he's my friend and i adore him. So there was that. then ... dan was being annoying. hosting a party and all was really cool of him, but it got so huge that towards the end everyone sort of want to get the hell out of the woods in michigan. Not that he noticed since he spent most of the time in bed with his girlfriend. i guess i can sort of understand that, but it made things awkward at times. to be honest though, i didn't mis him much, finding that i dont have all that much to say to him these days. Thr ride back from michigan on the other hand was actually really nice. granted there was an odd feeling in the air with C, K, wells clare and i all in the same car, being that wells clare and I don't like her much, but it was pretty relaxing. the three of us were snuggled together in C's backseat, nice and cozy. i miss that sort of thing, and it was just right to soothe the weirdnessthat came from being cooped in a cabin with twenty some other people. Then he and clare switched off driving and i had my two favorite chrises to nap with. god i love those boys. i love clare too, but i've known them longer. i'm glad that's how the ride ended, on an up note. though i did spend an hour sitting on the porch cuz i had no keys. so now i'm exhausted, enervated and bone weary. wish i had someone to cuddle with now. it's cold and cheap indiana cigarrettes will be the death of me.

whoops

so the other night i pulled a typical one. i was out for coffee with chris and lo and behold it was three oclock before i remembered i hadn't called home. oopsy daisy. but it's ok, really, my mom is excellent. my other parent, on the other hand has been a real brat lately. he woke me up the morning after, mothers day(congenitally awful timing anyone?), and said something about no more moaning and groaning. I'd been sick and i'm guessing that was the reference since he refused, snippily, to clarify. the bitch. since when does he get to decide whether i'm sick or not. i mean, screw sympathy, i don't really want it from him, but basic he's been accusing me of malingering. that really gets me for some reason. I feel better now, but thursday and friday i felt like several circles of hell in a blender. But i'm just going to let it go. he doesn't really count the way my mom does anyways, not being around as much. we don't interact as much even when he is home. which is ok. I can't stand how he acts likehe knows me, its so phony. arrrgh. he's a good guy and all, and has provided and etc. but his role in my life is pretty nebulous. but in cany case i'll be moving out soon. blessedly soon

intrigue and illness

another surreal day. truly. fever, headache, cramps and all. but interesting nonetheless. i may well be introuble, for i have done a bad thing. maybe. it's just possible that i've developed a new crush. which means, yay!, the old one is out of my rotation of neuroses. he's still a friend and all, but just that. i was talking to Him, working on the scrabble gram reall, and i looked at him, he looked up, and the fisrt thing i thought was: "Wow, His eyes are bluer than I remember". The of course it was whoa~ where did that come from and what does it mean. i''l have to get someone to investigate his opinions of that sort of thing. i would just jump in, but he's an incredible friend, so i don't quite want to endager that blindly. It could be great fun though, were he to be interested. great fun indeed. everything would be coming up jeanne were it not for the fact that i have a final first thing tomorrow. i think i may be too sick to go into school tomorrow. i have this vague premonition.

questioning

email from her today, which, though brief, is an absolutely splendid thing. she's so hamana-hamana wow. in most evry way. except the fact that she's far far away and has a girl. but i can wait. lately it seems i have little else to do. just a-waiting to graduate is me. that and dreaming oddly. perhaps tonight i will dream of her, curls wound round my fingers, arms wound round my waist, hmmmmmm. which brings up the sexuality question, which has been on my mind like it usually is when my sexuality is more a question of theory than of practice. I realized the other day that there are certain androgynous, famous men that i hold in high esteem not just because i find them attractive, but because i'd like to be just like them. take mr alan cumming for example. he's everything i'd like to be, except perhaps male , which is what brings in an element of puzzlement. because i'd like to be JUST like him, not simply similar. i wonder does that mean i'd like to be male. i suppose it's a possibility, after all, i'm not all to good at determining precisely what i want. maybe that's it. maybe i just want to fuck him. or Her for that matter. its all so confused. i am for sure, it's been a twilight zone day again, and i feel dizzied and disoriented. It'd be scary if it weren't a welcome distraction from the grey of my current reality.

JESUS

ahhhh! well now i remember why i stopped watching the evening news. the horror, the horror. i can't even begin to express my confusion and frustration seeing the violence in this sordid world. there must be something, something i can do, because i simply cannot watch. I can hardly watch at all and i can't just watch and not be move to act....somehow. Biblical justice, it seems has returned to the middle east, an eye for an eye anyone? Now, tonight, tomorrow, at least sixteen palestinians will die in retribution for the sixteen israelis. and the night after that, vice versa. i think i'm beginning to detect a pattern here. it's funny( in the squeamish, deadly earnest sort of way) to think of how a film i just saw portrayed Vietnamese suicide bombers as fighting desperately back with the only resources available, yet a similar view of palestinians is terribly incorrect. politically of course. grrrr. and it seems even the dutch can't restrain themselves any longer, stooping to political violence as well. though really all violence is political in some way. Its nights like these that remind me of one of Fr V's homilies about gratitude. be grateful for all God's gifts, all of them. Neuroses, praise the lord. Intact family, praise the lord. the love of friends and family, praise the lord. Eating disorders, praise the lord. i am reminded to be gratefull for allllll that i have, however mixed i may consider my blessings. after all, it could be worse. it could be raining. it is somewhere. somewhere someone's relatives are gathering their scattered remains. i can't explain why that somewhere is somplace else, and not here, nor will i understand it. perhaps that grace(because grace is the ultimate why) is a commission. perhaps not. but because i can't know that either, i'd rather accept the commission and live to prove myself worth of it.

narcotic

My best friend just came back from a trip to austria. She had waht sounds like an incredible experience. not only that, but she got drunk for the first time in her life. the first three times actually. I'm really glad she enjoyed herself, she really needed a break. hearing her stories from the trip, it makes me wonder exactly what it is i've got against drinking, if anything. after all, it can be all sorts of fun. I sort of miss partying and altered states. not that i've sworn them off, but i haven't really had the chance for a while. the people i hang out with are the type of folks who prefer to entertain themselves, which is entirely admirable. but every now and again, a bender can definitely be a welcome change. thus my dilemma over where to spend prom night, sober in michigan at the boy scout's, or at a party. the danger of michigan is that it will end up being a handfull of us single folk, ie, me, steve, wellsy, watching movies while the couples get their mack on. too depressing. on the other hand, it's an equally depressing thought to picture getting wasted with people i'm not great friends with and possibly getting with someone random out of pure desperation. damned if i do.....at least i love wellsy, right? blahhhh. no more thinking about the prom, it's really quite pathetic of me. after all, some people don't get to go to a prom, or even get all fancied up and spend the night out. it'll all work out in the end. i just have to not think about it. or perhaps not think quite so much--another positive side effect of narcotics. hmmm. temptation..and you know what oscar said about temptation"the only way to be rid of a temptation is to give in to it."words to the wise?

sympathy

it's a wonderful thing to be sympathetic to other people and their situations. truly it is. but at the same time, sometimes its hard to handle when other people symapathize with you. at first it's alright, sort of comforting. but it doesn't go that far in terms of making you feel better. It's like junk food, satisfying only in the short term. after a while you get sick of pats on the back, even sick of hugs, because what you're really looking for is some sort of understanding. but i suppose we're all looking for that. perhaps that search is fruitless. can anyone truly understand someone else? good question, though really i'd be satisfied with the illusion of being understood, which is probably all that i could get anyhow. blah, how typically adolescent am I. "No one understands me! rest assured, i know my worries, dilemmas, angst etc are not unique. I'm sure they're all fairly straightforward and teenaged. in all likelihood, i'm probably not all that difficult to figure out. it's just that the view from the inside is harder to decode. my perspective on myself is necessarily skewed. But maybe that's ok. i need some of my illusions just to get up in the morning. like factory workers need their ear plugs and stock yard workers start to lose their sense of smell. like we all need faith to get us through the day, not necessarily faith in God or an ultimate truth, but faith that the other cars will stop when they have a red light, and faith that the elevator cable will hold, and etc. ( speaking of faith.... how about that idea of an afterlife. I'm Roman catholic and all, but sometimes i don't know...life is so tiring, who has the energy for an afterlife. i mean heaven sounds nice and all, but wouldn't it be nice if it could just all ....stop....total oblivion sounds awfully restful. simply ceasing to exist at all, except of course, as worm food and then as the component minerals of your body. sounds quite nice actually)

twist

paging through my notebook, found this scrawled across two pages, almost illegible: View of St. John’s Gospel from the bridgeEcstatic, a chalk drawing in the rainIt’s girders blurring through, gridded,Meticulous, a pastoral of right anglesSquares, their corners bolted and fusedWith blistering layers of paintEach a new shade of dust, likeShadows in a darkened room, Absorbing light with differing appetites.Squares, standing monuments to symmetryAmidst the chaos of color smoldering,The crayola visions of deprivation, Of base desires ignored: sleep, food,Sex, company; release deferredSacrificed to the theoretical sublimeThe tingling ecstasy of the body’s hollowDesperation, visions—the sun sets,As it does everyday, and the sun risesTrans-substantiated by hunger and thirstInto perfect symmetry, The cacophony of pain—aches bruises regretsDisappointments---giving way to squares and Silence. dunno when i wrote it or why, it's atleast mostly gibberish. but i sort of like it, it's got scattershot charm. i think....maybe i'm just tired. judgement impaired. or something

seams

sad to say, i had two cigarettes last night. disgusting, i know, but they were divine. Last night was far too beautiful a night to spend at home, so out i went. Hedwig was playing at midnight at the Music Box, danny came along. The mood was sort of melancholy, though we are both huge hedheads. perhaps because we both wished we had someone special to spend saturday night with, in an entirely non platonic way. It was a familiar melancholy, though, and therefore bearable.....I've read somewhere that you can read a writer's work and trace back to what they've been reading just as you can go through an animals entrails and tell what their last three days were like. I wonder can you do that with people, read their entrails, divine their secrets and perhaps read omens for the future. The romans read the entrails of sacrifices to divine the will of the gods. I wonder what my entrails would tell a reader. Certainly i haven't been kind to them.

hmmmmm

mmm, a bath is lovely thing. I'm not sure whether it's my unconventional circulatory systam or what, but baths put me in an almost trance-like light-headed state. ahhh. i'm temepted just to go to bed, put off my papers yet again. it's not as if i'm thinking very clearly. if i was, i wouldn't be contemplating getting on my friend. that's definitely not my brain thinking. so much love, but so little sex. tell me that's not a shame.

arrrgh

phew, a rollercoaster day, two exams, one i thought would be easy fucked me but good, the one i worried about was manageable. I didn't really see him, but then again that may be a good thing. I did, however, talk to his new girl. she's a doll. arghh again. Can't wait to get out of here, get away. it's ridiculous how embedded this boy's become in my psyche. even in a good mood, he surfaces in my thoughts. It's like herpes, this love. incurable, popping up inconveniently sometimes, lying semi-dormant at others. with treatment you can control it, and certainly you can try to distract yourself, get it out of your mind. but its there, still, always there. Love's torments aren't nearly as romantic when its your skin flayed on its altar. and i do think it's love, because, although i wish it could've been me, I'm glad this girl is making him happy. Not that i'm not jealous, but if he's happy, then i can content myself with that, and of course, my memories.

climbing

inspite of the unmistakable signs of impending PMS, today gets better and better. I really ought to be studying, but whatever. and i have discovered the coolest magazine, in the sense that i bought a copy, not that i planted my flag on its virgin shores or anything, mental floss.its full of lovely random facts and trivia and lists, smashing!!! just brilliant. It's got me quite inexplicably excited. I really don't feel like studying.

onward and upward

i talked to my ex last night, the one who i'm really not friends with anymore. It was brief, but pleasant enough. I'm glad i called, since i was reminded of why i broke it off in the first place. It's not that i miss him in particular, i just miss the constant physical contact that comes with a relationship. Maybe what i need is a dog, or something, since really what i'm looking for is some simple affection. it's almost a hunger, one of the basic needs for survival. Though nothing has really changed since yesterday, things seems to be looking up, or at least i'm looking up and paying closer attention. i'm not sure why thatis, maybe i've been reminded and reassured by my friends. all of whom i adore, though i may not get to tell them that in person evry often.

onward and upward

i talked to my ex last night, the one who i'm really not friends with anymore. It was brief, but pleasant enough. I'm glad i called, since i was reminded of why i broke it off in the first place. It's not that i miss him in particular, i just miss the constant physical contact that comes with a relationship. Maybe what i need is a dog, or something, since really what i'm looking for is some simple affection. it's almost a hunger, one of the basic needs for survival. Though nothing has really changed since yesterday, things seems to be looking up, or at least i'm looking up and paying closer attention. i'm not sure why thatis, maybe i've been reminded and reassured by my friends. all of whom i adore, though i may not get to tell them that in person evry often.

la neta

sucedio hoy que algiuen me pregunto, "who do you think you are?". Una buena pregunta, y algo en que pienso much. Ya no me conozco. Hay tantas cosas que si hago o digo, pero la verdad es que no soy ninguna sola cosa. Todavia voy aprendiendo. Voy clavada en la idea del amor todopoderoso, pero a veces si tengo mis dudas. Es que me canso del estar, del trabajar, de mantener el illusion de sanidad y alegria. A veces me siento vacilla, como un globo, piel aire y nada mas. esta grueso no? hijole, volviendo loca, eh? y las palabras se me estan corriendo.haiku for the dayends as it beganin a breath, held, until shefades again to dream

b...

blech, morning, again. and what is that looming on the horizon, could it be my impending doom? Oh indeed it is, Calculus final and his nasty little sidekick Chem quiz, coming to a class near you. argh. what else have i to look forward to?--getting back failed latin quiz--job training(learning to answer the rectory phone)--not seeing Him, since he's probably still out of town. fun fun fun. got to get out of whiny bitch mode, really its unattractive. on the upside, well..., i'll have to work on that one. it'll come to me, probably, maybe, i think.

bienvenidos

a friendly howdy to all. With that sentiment and this entry i hereby inaugurate this here journal thingy. Might as well. nothing much to do otherwise. sleep might be an option, but one never knows. The attempt often ends in frustration.Nevermind all that....happy thoughts....-two more weeks of classes-smoking cessation thusfar successful-flannel pajamas cleanwhat more can a girl ask for. other than...well let's not get into that. buenas noches