.............................

today. downtown to meet eric. went early to run some errands. applied for three jobs. have to wait to hear about two, one got rejected from outright. oh well. bought a bathing suit, oddly untraumatic. also got sandals, a summer dress and some jeans. all good things, things i needed. went o meet eric at appointed time and place. stood on street corner, in sandals and no jacket, on blustery, cold june afternoon. for fortyfive minutes. nothing. i finally left because i was sick of not being able to feel my toes. my hands wouldn't bend correctly either, so i figured it was time to be inside. punk. punk punk punk. punk. and steph got a job at home depot. i didn't. beginning to think i will have to start selling off plasma and internal organs. or turning tricks. it doesn't cost anything, and you don't need much rxperience or references. i don't know why i'm so anxious about being unemployed. i just hope this isn't prophetic of the future, this inability to get a job. i'm not all that picky, or anything. so long as i get paid. and sooner or later my body is just going to mutiny. not that i'd blame it. or mind, for that matter.it might be for the best

grrrr

well, it's been a few days, hmm. had an absolutely splendid sunday night. Trail of Dead rawked the house, splitting my eardrums and wreaking havoc on thier instruments. so much so that they couldn't play the last song b/c the drum set was cashed. it was great not seeing the show alone, and even better seeing it with Dan. he's so huggable. and seeing as how he's the only person who reads this, as far as i know, Thanks Dan, for coming and for a marvelous evening. it's funny seeing someone you care about after a long absence, because there's always a brief awkwardness. It's hard to show how excited you are to see someone without coming off like a puppy. but i was, excited. hmm, monday....nothing.tuesday movie night, this week was disney. good times. i got to bond with austin my gay mormon soulmate. I'm so gone on him, it's nuts. drove him home and we commiserated about how hard it is to be queer in high school. Though he's a boy at least, so he can hang out in boys town and get the hook up. where is dyke-town i'd like to know. is there some secret handshake i don't know or what? but he's only a sophmore, so he's got two more crazy years to go. poor thing, he'd give me a cavity.speaking of which i have two! argh. i hate fillings, the drill just creeps me out so damn much. ich ich ich. and i hate kate nolan. just for the record, she's probably the worst friend ann has and sometimes i just want to smother her under a pillow. ann's too cool to such treatment.which brings us to today. ..................

nakedness

i don't know about confessional poetry generally, but this was just therealmost pre-hatched so here goes: Is it unfair that i should touch youin ways she doesn't, won't, can''t?Perhaps, but that matters so littlewhen your arms flex around my ribsan extra, breathless moment.Doesn't stop me twining a casual arm around your waist in movie lines,tucking a single strand behind your ear. My goodbye kiss have begun to landon your lips. There's no danger there...We both know better, her distantbut all too real presence a reminderof lessons learned and forgivenessunearned. Still, I can't help taking your pianist's hands in mineto stop their mindless trajectoryas you describe the futility of so much effort, no more than I can help wondering what it might be liketo wake up in your arms.