questioning

email from her today, which, though brief, is an absolutely splendid thing. she's so hamana-hamana wow. in most evry way. except the fact that she's far far away and has a girl. but i can wait. lately it seems i have little else to do. just a-waiting to graduate is me. that and dreaming oddly. perhaps tonight i will dream of her, curls wound round my fingers, arms wound round my waist, hmmmmmm. which brings up the sexuality question, which has been on my mind like it usually is when my sexuality is more a question of theory than of practice. I realized the other day that there are certain androgynous, famous men that i hold in high esteem not just because i find them attractive, but because i'd like to be just like them. take mr alan cumming for example. he's everything i'd like to be, except perhaps male , which is what brings in an element of puzzlement. because i'd like to be JUST like him, not simply similar. i wonder does that mean i'd like to be male. i suppose it's a possibility, after all, i'm not all to good at determining precisely what i want. maybe that's it. maybe i just want to fuck him. or Her for that matter. its all so confused. i am for sure, it's been a twilight zone day again, and i feel dizzied and disoriented. It'd be scary if it weren't a welcome distraction from the grey of my current reality.